08 December 2009

I've got your Cabliasian right here

Look, I've been avoiding all this Tiger Woods business until I read a really great blog about it today on the heels of talking about "important" news stories I'd missed the last couple of weeks with my kid sister. While I had to google Adam Lambert (I don't Idol), I knew that Tiger'd been in a car accident. Megalomaniacal me said "nobody cares when I hurt myself" so I ignored it.

Then I started hearing about affairs, mistresses coming out of the woodwork, the wife chasing him with golf clubs and smashing windows. That's interesting, but no. I'm going to remain on my moral high ground and continue to ignore. I've lived through enough sex scandals to know that unless someone's been living under the bed in a dog collar, it's just fodder.

I told The Kid last night that if one of the mistresses was named Darshawnqa with long airbrushed nails and hair sculpture- then I'd be interested. But this morning I read this from one of my favorite blogs and I paused (and laughed at the video). But only long enough to write this post.

In conclusion, he's 33 years old and been playing professional golf since he was a teen. He hasn't had a life. Leave him alone. Who cares. Now I'm part of the problem, but enough is enough already. He likes pussy. Let him be. He's not the first or last professional athlete to cheat. I think the over arching statement of pro athletes should be that they're going to cheat on their spouses. The ones that don't- they're the exceptions. If I went from town to town with women throwing themselves at me- I'd probably be too tired to even play whatever game I'm getting paid for.


10 June 2009

Emails, A Retrospective

For some reason my email program will randomly pull up all the emails off the server. So when I check it I have like 700 "new" messages from like months ago. As this happened today it gave me a chance to see what kind of crap I really receive. Most of them make me long for the life I had when those services or that information was something useful.

  • Expedia, Travelocity, American Airlines, Travelzoo and various other travel sites telling what great deals they have right now that I can't take advantage of. I'd love to go to London for $400 with taxes included. When I went to Europe last year my tix was like $1100.
  • Oprah- I actually found myself saying to my Wednesday on Oprah's "Best Life Week: Finding Your Spiritual Path" - Suck it Oprah. Why don't you help tell people to hire me for stupid commercials on your show, or better yet, make me sit at my computer and write for @ least 2h a day so I can turn these words into the kind of gold bullion you have in your HOUSES. And ya know I loves me some Oprah.
  • Nordstrom, YOOX, Bluefly, Endless, Gotham City, eBay- shoes and clothes that I used to see on sale or say "oh, that's cute" click on it and miraculously there would be these wonderful boxes of beautiful things that barely fit or I'd give away to my friends.
  • Target, Crate & Barrel, Pottery Barn, Overstock- okay, I do have a lamp in my Target queue, but it's replacing the Pottery Barn one that I've broken.
These are the ones that hurt. They hurt when I've put $1200 worth of clothes in my Nordstrom bag. Now, I totally did this before, but then I could get a little sumthin' sumthin'. It hurts when Eco-Tulum, my favorite cheap Mexican getaway is giving away rooms for like $25 a person for our 4 person palatial cabana right on the beach (and tix to Cancun are $87 each way and everybody wants to go but nobody has any money or time).

But there are the ones I do use and relish more now than I did before:
  • Jewel Diamond Taylor's Success Gems Thought for the Day- for obvious reasons. I actually print them out and stick them all over my house so I don't feel so alone.
  • LiveStrong- any man who can win the Tour de France with one ball gets my attention.
  • eDiets- new ways to make my beer belly go away because real spirits are out of my budget right now unless I buy a bottle of Jameson's and drink it all alone in one day, which is bad. And painful. And not as cute when you're almost 35 and unemployed and have apparently no transferrable skills and can't even understand half of the job postings online.
  • Astrology.com- they never ask me for money and since I'm a Leo, rarely give me bad news.
  • Joanne Jimenez telling me when Francois K, Joe Claussell or Danny Krivit are spinning.
  • Huffington Post, NYTimes, and NYPost because I have to have something to post on Facebook.
  • Hope Clark, Writer's Digest and the millions of other writery ones that don't actually make me sit down and write, but make me feel like I'm taking writing seriously. Thanks guys.
And finally the ones I can do without that will never go away:
  • Chase- "Funds transfer not processed" or "Overdraft protection alert"
  • Juniper Visa- "You are approaching your credit limit" when I'm like $50 over my credit limit
  • AT&T for a landline I don't use but I need it for the Direct TV, or do I? It's not on now. I just found a phone. Okay, that's stupid; I'll take care of that tomorrow.
  • Citicards- "Thank you for your payment." Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. What payment? Shit, now I'm gonna get another one from Chase.
So now that I've re-deleted them. I'm going to look on them with fond memories. I'll still put some shoes in some baskets. I actually have tens of thousands of dollars in shopping carts all over cyberspace. It's my virtual shopping that I pay for with all of my winnings from internet poker.

02 April 2009

Open Letter to Michelle Obama

Dear First Lady Michelle Obama,

Your husband and his people have been sending me emails for months now. I was sure you'd caught on because then you started sending them me too. After the election, well I thought we'd put this all behind us. But unfortunately, I'm still receiving emails and, well, I thought you should know.

You seem like a nice enough lady. I've even written you a letter that's published in the book "Go, Tell Michelle: African American Women Write to the New First Lady". It appears none of our missives elude publication.

You looked so lovely and happy at the inauguration I thought we could put these minor dalliances behind us. But they continue. I need you to be understanding about this, because I NEED you to be with your old man. You're too important to a battalion of highly educated black girls who have all formerly had (and currently have) perms and have all enjoyed 4 wings with mild sauce from Harold's, if you know what I mean.

But I would appreciate if you could get them to stop with the emails. I appreciate the updates, but I do read Huffington Post.

With Reverence and Love,
Charity Thomas

Open Letter to President Barack Obama

Dear President Barack Obama,

I love you.

Charity Thomas

P.S. I love you in a clean reverent "leader of my free world" way, that's all. Make sure you tell Michelle that. I'm just saying, 'cause I don’t want her coming after me. I mean, I do have the weight advantage, but with height and arm length and strength- she’s got me beat. I, also, can’t pull my “I’m from the South Side of Chicago” intimidation routine on her. I know for a fact that if she though I was really trying something, she’d CUT MY FUCKING HEART OUT. So, it’s a platonic love. And it’s a true love.

10 March 2009

Open Letter to the OcotoMom

Nadya Suleman: A New House And Six Angry, Sad Older Kids

Dear Nadya Suleman (or Crazy Baby Machine, or Crazy Clown Car Uterus Lady, as I affectionately call you),

While I can sympathize with not having a job and wanting to be on TV, I have to ask if having a litter of babies is the most effective way to do that? I mean, I don't like kids particularly, I guess I could start there. When I heard you had 8 babies at one time, I was like "Whoa man. That's a lot of babies!" Then I heard you ALREADY HAD 6 AT HOME, didn't have a job and lived with your mom. Then I was all "WTF? Is this bitch crazy?"

No, really. What The Fuck? Are you mad? I watched that Ann Curry interview and you sound crazy as cat shit. How are you really going to provide for those kids? Your loving presence does not diapers make. And you don't have udders despite your litter of kids.

You seem to be a religious woman. You had six miracles despite your bad plumbing. Maybe, as a way of course correction your tubes were blocked for a reason. I know that's mean, but look what you did when you superseded the natural order of your particular body. You were given a gift.

Then you just got greedy.

Charity Thomas

Open Letter to Dana Dane

Dear Dana Dane,

Since the old days, rap now sucks. Please make it better.

Charity Thomas

P.S. Please tell Big Daddy Kane that he can still come over
my house anytime he wants because he's The B- I- G D- A- double D- Y givin' good and plenty....

19 February 2009

Open Letter to Crazy Connecticut Monkey Lady

Dear Crazy Monkey Lady,

Monkey's aren't pets. Chimpanzee's aren't people. You can't feed it, get it liquored up, have it BRUSH YOUR HAIR and not expect it to go APE SHIT on somebody. That's where the term APE SHIT came from I think.

And on top of all of that, the thing that really is heartbreaking is that- the chimp had to die. The chimp that was probably a little tipsy and on Xanax. The chimp who has been turned into a surrogate human in a bunch of really messed up ways by this poor disturbed woman, had to get shot (after being stabbed and hit with a shovel).

That's just fucked up.

Shame on you Crazy Monkey Lady.

Shame on you.



EVENT: Ali/ Patterson fight, Las Vegas Convention Center, 1965

Floyd Patterson’s wearing black shorts. The defending heavyweight champion of the world Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) is in white. That is the battle in 1965. Black against white. Good against evil. Christianity against Islam. America against the world. These two gladiators are fighting for more than the Heavyweight Championship of the World. They’re fighting to see who’s going to be a player in the new world order. Patterson is the good. He’s is a Christian, follower of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and an hope of the new Black American world- an integrationists’ dream. Ali (who commentators as well as Patterson still refer to as Clay) is evil. He hates America. He hates whites. He follows Elijah Muhammad and is in the Nation of Islam. He’s a proud big mouth who’s braggadocio is going to get him in trouble. He’s too proud and too cocky. He must be defeated. That will be the only way to shut this kid up. The crowd boos every punch he lands. Needless to say the Las Vegas Convention Center is a cacophony of boo’s this evening in 1965.

Ali eclipses Patterson. The power of his left hand is only matched by the playfulness of his right. The calm on his face is that of a Zen master. Patterson is only one in a line that will lose this eternal battle. The righteous vs. the unrighteous. Which one is which is unclear contextually in 2002. Ali is the star. Patterson is only a rung on the ladder to greatness. Ali is The Greatest. His punches are like the waves in the ocean. Patterson is a man drowning in a sea of uppercuts. He throws wild shots that seem to glide off of The Champ. Round 8- Patterson is looking to get leverage. Even when he gets inside he’s ineffective. By round 9 the commentator slips and gives Muhammad Ali his proper respect and call him by his chosen name. The name of his adopted faith. It’s a fight to get the respect given any other man in simply being called by his name. Patterson stands his ground. He must defeat this kid. His back is bothering him. He’s not as young as he used to be and Ali moves like the ether. The eleven thousand strong in the convention center can’t muster enough cheering to encourage Patterson to a win. They seem to not be able to convince themselves that Ali is evil but they must continue trying. Patterson can’t seem to get off a punch. He’s trying to stay away from Ali who runs out at the beginning of Round 12 anxious for battle. Patterson’s confused and on the receives the message of every hook Ali delivers. Ali hits his mark every time. The referee Harry Krause ends the fight. Patterson concedes to the 24 year old- Muhammad Ali. Winner and still the heavyweight champion of the world.

After the fight Ali thanks Allah for his supreme boxing wisdom and gives thanks to the Honorable Elijah Muhammad for his prayers.